Too many people succumb
to the mistaken belief that being likeable comes from natural,
unteachable traits that belong only to a lucky few—the good
looking, the fiercely social, and the incredibly talented. It’s
easy to fall prey to this misconception. In reality, being likeable
is under your control, and it’s a matter of emotional intelligence
(EQ). In a study conducted at UCLA, subjects rated over 500
adjectives based on their perceived significance to likeability. The
top-rated adjectives had nothing to do with being gregarious,
intelligent, or attractive (innate characteristics). Instead, the top
adjectives were sincerity, transparency, and capacity for
understanding (another person). These adjectives, and others like
them, describe people who are skilled in the social side of emotional
intelligence.
Here are 13 of the
best:
1. They Ask Questions
The biggest mistake people make when it comes to listening is they’re
so focused on what they’re going to say next or how what the other
person is saying is going to affect them that they fail to hear
what’s being said. The words come through loud and clear, but the
meaning is lost. A simple way to avoid this is to ask a lot of
questions. People like to know you’re listening, and something as
simple as a clarification question shows that not only are you
listening, you also care about what they’re saying. You’ll be
surprised how much respect and appreciation you gain just by asking
questions.
2. They Put Away Their
Phones Nothing will turn someone off to you like a mid-conversation
text message or even a quick glance at your phone. When you commit to
a conversation, focus all of your energy on the conversation. You
will find that conversations are more enjoyable and effective when
you immerse yourself in them.
3. They Are Genuine #
1/4 Being genuine and honest is essential to being likeable. No one
likes a fake. People gravitate toward those who are genuine because
they know they can trust them. It is difficult to like someone when
you don’t know who they really are and how they really feel.
Likeable people know who they are. They are confident enough to be
comfortable in their own skin. By concentrating on what drives you
and makes you happy as an individual, you become a much more
interesting person than if you attempt to win people over by making
choices that you think will make them like you.
4. They Don’t Pass
Judgment If you want to be likeable you must be open-minded. Being
open-minded makes you approachable and interesting to others. No one
wants to have a conversation with someone who has already formed an
opinion and is not willing to listen. Having an open mind is crucial
in the workplace where approachability means access to new ideas and
help. To eliminate preconceived notions and judgment, you need to see
the world through other people’s eyes. This doesn’t require you
believe what they believe or condone their behavior, it simply means
you quit passing judgment long enough to truly understand what makes
them tick. Only then can you let them be who they are.
5. They Don’t Seek
Attention People are averse to those who are desperate for attention.
You don’t need to develop a big, extroverted personality to be
likeable. Simply being friendly and considerate is all you need to
win people over. When you speak in a friendly, confident, and concise
manner, you will notice that people are much more attentive and
persuadable than if you try to show them you’re important. People
catch on to your attitude quickly and are more attracted to the right
attitude than what—or how many people—you know. When you’re
being given attention, such as when you’re being recognized for an
accomplishment, shift the focus to all the people who worked hard to
help you get there. This may sound cliché, but if it’s genuine,
the fact that you pay attention to others and appreciate their help
will show that you’re appreciative and humble—two adjectives that
are closely tied to likeability.
6. They Are Consistent
Few things make you more unlikeable than when you’re all over the
place. When people approach you, they like to know whom they’re
dealing with and what sort of response they can expect. To be
consistent you must be reliable, and you must ensure that even when
your mood goes up and down it doesn’t affect how you treat other
people.
7. They Use Positive
Body Language Becoming cognizant of your gestures, expressions, and
tone of voice (and making certain they’re positive) will draw
people to you like ants to a picnic. Using an enthusiastic tone,
uncrossing your arms, maintaining eye contact, and leaning towards
the person who’s speaking are all forms of positive body language
that high-EQ people use to draw others in. Positive body language can
make all the difference in a conversation. 2/4 It’s true that
howyou say something can be more important thanwhatyou say.
8. They Leave a Strong
First Impression Research shows most people decide whether or not
they like you within the first seven seconds of meeting you. They
then spend the rest of the conversation internally justifying their
initial reaction. This may sound terrifying, but by knowing this you
can take advantage of it to make huge gains in your likeability.
First impressions are tied intimately to positive body language.
Strong posture, a firm handshake, smiling, and opening your shoulders
to the person you are talking to will help ensure that your first
impression is a good one.
9. They Greet People by
Name Your name is an essential part of your identity, and it feels
terrific when people use it. Likeable people make certain they use
others’ names every time they see them. You shouldn’t use
someone’s name only when you greet him. Research shows that people
feel validated when the person they’re speaking with refers to them
by name during a conversation. If you’re great with faces but have
trouble with names, have some fun with it and make remembering
people’s names a brain exercise. When you meet someone, don’t be
afraid to ask her name a second time if you forget it right after you
hear it. You’ll need to keep her name handy if you’re going to
remember it the next time you see her.
10. They Smile People
naturally (and unconsciously) mirror the body language of the person
they’re talking to. If you want people to like you, smile at them
during a conversation and they will unconsciously return the favor
and feel good as a result.
11. They Know When To
Open Up Be careful to avoid sharing personal problems and confessions
too quickly, as this will get you labeled a complainer. Likeable
people let the other person guide when it’s the right time for them
to open up.
12. They Know Who To
Touch (and They Touch Them) When you touch someone during a
conversation, you release oxytocin in their brain, a neurotransmitter
that makes their brain associate you with trust and a slew of other
positive feelings. A simple touch on the shoulder, a hug, or a
friendly handshake is all it takes to release oxytocin. Of course,
you have to touch the right person in the right way to release
oxytocin, as unwanted or inappropriate touching has the opposite
effect. Just remember, relationships are built not just from words,
but also from general feelings about each other. Touching someone
appropriately is a great way to show you care.
13. They Balance
Passion and Fun People gravitate toward those who are passionate.
That said, it’s easy for passionate people to come across as too
serious or uninterested because they tend to get absorbed in their
work. Likeable people balance their passion with the ability to have
fun. At work they 3/4 are serious, yet friendly. They still get
things done because they are socially effective in short amounts of
time and they capitalize on valuable social moments. They minimize
small talk and gossip and instead focus on having meaningful
interactions with their coworkers. They remember what you said to
them yesterday or last week, which shows that you’re just as
important to them as their work. Bringing It All Together Likeable
people are invaluable and unique. They network with ease, promote
harmony in the workplace, bring out the best in everyone around them,
and generally seem to have the most fun. Add these skills to your
repertoire and watch your likeability soar!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Travis Bradberry, Ph.D.
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